i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
