can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
