I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
