My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
