There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
