I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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