I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
