First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
