"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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