Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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