My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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