Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
