bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
