I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
