I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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