just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
