you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize