god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I understand Curling. That high.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
