ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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