She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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