i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
