I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
