I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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