she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
