i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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