at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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