I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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