Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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