Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
