Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We don't watch enough power rangers
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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