Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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