Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
