Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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