When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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