you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
