i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
