They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
