He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize