You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
