Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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