I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
