are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
