dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
