my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
