I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
