Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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