everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
