Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
