Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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