thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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