Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
