Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
