also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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