if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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