i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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