I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
